Is it possible to get married after 30 years? Photo: Lori.ru.

Good day, dear readers. Today we will talk about such a situation when you are 30 years old, there are no children unmarried. You will find out what factors can influence this. You will know what to do in such a situation. You will find out whether it is normal for a woman to have no family at that age.

Possible reasons

If you are familiar with the phrase “I am 30 years old, and I am not married”, most likely this is due to the presence of certain factors in your life. Let's look at the reasons for this.

1. A strong desire to get a husband repels potential gentlemen. A woman behaves too intrusively, pushing events. Thus, she scares her partner, as a result, she remains alone.
2. The girl behaves like an equal. She communicates with a man in his language, enjoys watching football. Such a woman is perceived by a man as his boy. In this situation, it is unlikely that they will pay attention to her as a future wife.
3. Overconfidence. The woman is still single due to the fact that she sets the bar too high for her future husband, she is waiting for the prince.
4. The girl pays a lot of attention to her rivals, while trying to criticize the passing young ladies or even her friends. She believes that this will allow her to assert herself, look more beautiful and better in the eyes of a man. However, this behavior is not perceived by the guy, and he runs away very quickly.
5. One of the possible reasons is that the girl is in a relationship with a married man, that is, she is his mistress. The gentleman can feed with empty promises, convince that he will soon divorce his wife and marry her. However, this does not happen, the years go by, the girl is already thirty, and she still has not started a family.
6. Excessive modesty and shyness can also repel men. Today, guys are more interested in lively and mischievous girls.
7. Men do not marry a woman who, from the very beginning of a relationship, builds herself out to be the main person in the house. The guy will not like it if they take his place, make him walk in submission.
8. Woman - . She is at work all day, there is absolutely no time for her personal life.
9. Fear of the unknown. The girl does not want to change the established way of life, start a family and related problems.
10. Low self-esteem, strong complexes do not allow a woman to start a serious and long-term relationship.

I am thirty years old, I am married for the second time and have a son. I belong to the category of girls who entered into a marital union too early and quickly divorced. Among my classmates, 20 percent are still unmarried, although this did not prevent some from becoming a mother. These girls are in no hurry to connect their lives with men, live for their own pleasure, most of them make a career. They are only now beginning to think about creating a family.

Sequencing

1. Work on your self-knowledge, possible complexes and insecurity, excessive shyness. It is important to increase your self-esteem, get rid of bad habits, criticism of potential rivals. Stop getting hung up on marriage if this idea does not leave you every day.
2. If you see that there are certain flaws in your figure or appearance, and you are able to correct them yourself, act. Go to the dentist to improve your smile, to the hairdresser to change your hairstyle, to the gym to tighten your figure.
3. Update your wardrobe. It's time to get the cool dress you've been dreaming about for a long time. Such a purchase will give more confidence.
4. Do not sit and wait until the chosen one is in your arms. Expand your social circle, regularly attend social events where there are many young people, visit exhibitions, go to the theater. Engage in self-development, and do not avoid new acquaintances.

How to behave

It's time to start living an active life, attend events with a large crowd of young people, expand your circle of friends, and not be afraid to meet new people.

Let's look at what to do in a given situation, if you are still not married, and your age has exceeded thirty.

1. If your crazy desire to get married is to blame, then you need to learn how to restrain your emotions and impulses. A woman must realize that with such actions, obsession, she will not achieve the disposition of a man. In addition, life is so arranged that we rarely get what we really want. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation, enjoy what you have, stop thinking about marriage as an obsession.
2. A girl who behaves like a man needs to change her outlook on life, start dressing beautifully, and be more interested in primordially female duties. Suppress the masculine in oneself, so that the partner feels that next to him is a good candidate for a wife.
3. If you are still waiting for the handsome prince, it's time to get down to earth, stop making excessive demands on your partner. Take a close look at the surrounding guys, perhaps among them there has long been a guy who could win your heart.
4. If you criticize other girls too much, stop behaving like that. Do not judge anyone and remember "do not judge, lest you be judged." You don’t need to treat young ladies like that, even if they really don’t take care of themselves or have problems with being overweight. Try to see the good in other people.
5. If it's all about a seemingly strong love for a married man, then it's time to realize that such a person is not worthy of your feelings. Firstly, you should not destroy someone else's family - you will not build your own happiness on someone else's ruins. Secondly, it is high time to understand that the gentleman will not leave his wife, and you will remain a single woman.
6. If you are too shy, it's time to work on yourself. If it does not work out on your own, then it will not be superfluous to consult a psychologist for advice. Remember that your family happiness is at stake.
7. If you are used to always deciding everything on your own, to be the main one in any relationship, then it's time to feel like a weak and defenseless woman, to let your partner be the main one in the relationship.
8. If you spend all day at work, it is high time to think about rest, to start allocating time for personal leisure.
9. If you are afraid of changes, difficulties, because of this you are postponing marriage, watch other families. Look how happy they are, just think about why you willfully deprive yourself of such joy.
10. If it's all about the complexity, it's time to work on yourself, but it's better to seek help from a specialist who can choose the right course, make you believe in yourself and your strengths.

It is important to understand that a 30-year-old woman owes nothing to anyone. She is not obliged to follow any stereotypes and rush to start a family, give birth to children. A woman should not blush in front of her parents or justify herself in front of married friends. Each person has his own destiny and his own goals in life.

If a woman wants to devote herself to home and family, she does not think about a career at all, she can get married at the age of 20. While the other wants to live for herself, to stand firmly on her feet, so as not to depend on a man later, in order to be able to give her little one everything he needs, first spends years on a career for a stable position, at 30 - still without families. This is the choice of everyone. This does not mean that someone lives incorrectly, deviates from generally accepted norms. In addition, do not forget that girls who get married right after school or university are most often not happy in marriage. Such unions quickly disintegrate, and girls become single mothers.

If there are no children at the age of 30, this is not a sentence. Life is just beginning. It’s good when a woman manages to achieve something, decide on her needs, become financially independent, understand exactly who she wants to see next to her, and only after that she creates a family and gives birth to children from her beloved man.

And Rina Kholina is about how not to be a victim of your own mothers, old-fashioned men and stereotypes.

“He won’t marry you…” says the friend’s mother.

She looks like she's saying, "I have stage four cancer." Here and despair, and humility - all simultaneously. There are all questions to the universe: why did you, daughter, divorce a good man, and why do you need this dude who walks in leggings, and what will you do in your thirty-one years, your flower is already fading ...

Mom has one concern - that everything is fine with her daughter. That is, in order to find a good husband for herself - and no longer get divorced, but she would live and live, she would make good. To be a good, reliable person.

This is where I really want to get angry. No, I know, of course, what such a relationship looks like. I noticed. But you know, it's like the first time. From this you do not get tired of being furious.

These mothers are tireless. All calls, all meetings - the same agenda, twenty-five again, great again. Here they do not get tired of mumbling the same thing, the same thing, the same thing. And this is the syndrome of the generation. Not an exception.

I can't even imagine what it's like to associate with such people. I can only imagine how difficult it is to develop under such pressure. And I know exactly how many girls from 20 to 22 years old get married just to plug this hole of reproaches. Well, young people too.

I just want to understand what kind of bomb fell on the head of such mothers, that they live in the 21st century, they have the Internet, but nothing has changed in their minds. Not a single breath of fresh air here. And why does it all seem to them that marriage is the key to all doors?

My take is revenge. Like, we suffered - and you suffer. Transfer misfortune to another - a very popular game: “I, they say, got married for love or what? It was necessary! I donated everything!

Such women - they want others, even their own children, to suffer. Until recently, it was considered important that women give birth in pain and humiliation. Only pain, only hardcore. Caesarean delivery was considered a crime. Like, how could she take it like that and refuse from long fights, from the rudeness of the nurse, from the prodding of the midwife?

Did you give birth in a modern way, with epidural anesthesia, with caring staff, and even in ten minutes? Badly. Very bad.

It's all one. To share our women's torments. First, to this nasty husband. With this dirty sex. Then a difficult birth. Then a difficult life. Our unity is in torment.

"For whom?!" - the girls think in a panic, provoked by such a position in life.

It doesn't matter anymore. If only.

They are afraid to live for their own pleasure - because there is no one of their own. There is exclusively collective pleasure. Sex, for example, is yours, personal. Therefore, it is impossible. Well, that is, it is possible, of course, but with doubts, with the expectation to read the answer in the eyes - the only one or not, will give a ring or so, indulges. Sex for the sake of sex - well, it's somehow obscene, agree? After all, there must be a plan. First sex, then marriage.

I personally, in some ridiculous way, was married three times. True, everything was for technical reasons - any joint property there. And then I now understand that it still did not make sense (in marriage). True, everything was dry and modest - no weddings, of course. Signed - divorced, without sentimentality. I'm not crazy to spend money on a wedding instead of spending it on something really nice. For travel, clothes, car, restaurants.

To be honest, I'm even ashamed of these purely formal marriages. Well, it's kind of ridiculous at forty-two to be married three times. Terribly out of date. If you say this somewhere in Germany, for example, they look at you with wild eyes. And you feel embarrassed not because someone there condemns you, but because you yourself seem to be a strange person who for some reason did something frankly meaningless.

And in Russia this happens - men ask a little surreptitiously whether you have been married. Well, not all men, of course, but old-fashioned ones. After all, you generally seem strange to them - you have your own opinion, you don’t put them in anything until they say something really smart. And at first I sincerely (albeit with irony) answered about my stupid three times, and then I realized that this was like a test. If she was married, then she was in demand. Was not - well, just showing off. Mom dear. As a result, I stopped communicating with the old regimes (even if they are wonderful personalities) - these prehistoric tricks are unbearable. Parallel universe, honestly. Everyone walks on their heads, they take food with their feet.

But the girls still want to get married, because there is hope - he is the husband of the Kremlin. That is, a wall, a shoulder, no worries or troubles with him, his mouth is full of only caramels and marshmallows.

There is a very talented girlfriend, but she has a successful husband. That is, she is doing something, but not really. Because it's a husband. And so everything is fine. And I suffer. I think how well everything would work out for her if she didn’t have a husband - well, or she was, God bless him, but she didn’t earn so well. They have everything for love, but at the same time there is this female habit - if everything is fine with your husband, you do not have to strain. Another component of a purely Russian marriage.

A woman feels herself in success as an attachment to a man. To build a business from scratch, to really work, to achieve by the millimeter - oh, no ... For example, many people know Ulyana Sergeenko. In which, when she decided to become a great designer, her husband invested huge money. Millions. One show - at least 400 thousand euros. I want everything at once, I am the mistress of the sea. But this is not about business. It's about the husband and vanity. To work is to sit beautifully in an elegant dress and revive the skill of Vologda lacemakers. A woman's career is her husband's money. Ideal ideal. Everyone dreams of this. So that in business, and not to take loans, and sleep peacefully at night under the timid rustle of banknotes (instead of the sounds of the surf).

Or it happens - they invest in a girl, and she is like: “What, you had to give it back? Do I owe you?" And there we are talking about hundreds of thousands of euros.

And here I see the bad thing in the fact that a woman evaluates a man as a resource. Not as a business partner, not as a life partner, but as such a treasure chest. That's why she wants to be loved. They love - they give money. She is doing well as long as they love, as long as the credit is open, as long as you can have fun, and not create your own life.

It's terrible that it can't be changed. That is, the next generations are already different. The future is theirs. But those who are already acting here and now - their psychology changes only with a lobotomy. Logic, tenacious as cockroaches: husband, money, success. Success so far is money and a husband, but it doesn’t matter - there will be a new husband and new success.

Therefore, everyone wants to get married, everyone wants a “worthy” husband, everyone sees in this their personal future, their way up.

What is a woman without a husband? Nobody. That's what Mom says.

I don't know what to do with these wise mothers. I would break off relations with them - until they plead. Yeah, they do it in a month - and they start everything from the same point, but now you have to decide - whose life is more valuable to you, yours or hers? And can it be fixed? And do you even need to think about all this?

Life is so wonderful. It has so many possibilities. You can really achieve something in it - and feel the pride of success, which is better than any husbands, best of all. Because this is your success - it is you and only you, it was you who did everything yourself, it was no one who pushed you out. You understand your strength. Believe in your abilities. You can meet with anyone and be a sweetheart with him and cook kharcho for him - but only because you want to, and not because "you are a woman, that's how it should be."

May he not be rich, and may he not be a husband - and thank the Lord. One is much more fun.

There is also such a sweet illusion, already among successful girls, that a husband is a family. That is, when children need a husband, because. Formally, they are right. But in reality, anything can happen. And that's why it's "everything" that happens. When he “wants to get married” to help and make children, he, as a rule, comes across some kind of unfortunate one, but at the same time with the confidence that there are “women's” affairs and there are “men's”. That is, a screaming and spitting child can still be pushed into him for a couple of minutes, but this is the maximum. So he will lie somewhere and think something Very Important. And family responsibilities will continue to be 80/20 in favor of the girl.

European women have long realized this. Therefore, they rely on their own strength. Children after thirty-five (if, at all, children), and married - well, if he will be eight years old, he will beg quite tearfully. Because the fact is that a woman does everything perfectly herself. And when the husband is another child, life somehow becomes more complicated.

I'll be honest - in any European province, girls are already with a husband and two children at twenty-seven. And they look sad. The eyes are so glassy, ​​the hair is greasy, the husband is unhappy and dusty.

But are we supposed to compare ourselves to the worst options? No, we don't have to.

Because we are cool. Because all the girls that I know even just a little bit, indirectly, they are so cheerful, lucky, so energetic and they also love their work. They deserve better. That is, what they want only themselves.

To be honest, Russian girls are a paradox of the universe. With all this inertness and some blinkeredness, they are so smart, they evolve so much, they quickly grasp all the most interesting things, which is simply amazing how there is still room for all sorts of stereotypes. Moms remind, yeah. They don't let you relax.

Everyone, unfortunately, loves and pities their mothers. Here, alas, even no such advice can be offered. Hitting the head with a hammer is part of a relationship. Well, at least forget quickly. But just don't give in. Mom just wants to ruin your life. This is her task. Do not start thinking in any discouragement that she is right about something. She is never right. You have a better life. The way you imagined her. Enjoy. In proud and intoxicating loneliness.

Text: Arina Kholina

In our Women's Council column, a 40-year-old woman with many years of relationship experience, a 20-year-old young girl and a professional psychologist share their opinions on typical problems in relationships between men and women. This week we were contacted by Sylvia, who laments her age and status as "single".

“I’m already 30 years old and I’m not married, there are no permanent relationships. All my friends have families, and I'm alone. It feels like life is slipping through your fingers. It seems that I have no chance to find a normal man and give birth to a child! Men with whom I rarely have relationships leave very quickly: they meet other women or simply lose interest in me. I can't figure out if there's something wrong with me or with them. I take care of myself, I read books, I know how to cook borscht. I want to get married, I want a family, and the men are running away from me. What to do?" Sylvia asks.

The opinion of the 40-year-old:“You probably haven't met YOUR man yet. If men do not stay with you for a long period of time, then you should think about what is wrong either with men or in your behavior pattern. Borscht and books are not the main thing. The main thing is your attitude to life, smile, inner charm. Perhaps you see your future husband in everyone you meet, mentally transmit this thought to the man, and he runs away from you. Men read your unconscious signals also unconsciously. But there is also such a moment: when you passionately desire something, fixate on something, trying to break through the wall with your head, nothing happens. Let go of the situation, don't think hard about not getting married. Although at your age not being married is really strange.”

Opinion of the 20-year-old:“Do you want a status or a partner? It's not clear somehow. You should learn to enjoy life, from communicating with yourself, with friends. According to the description, it seems that you either “love” the brains of men a lot, or are simply not interested, because you quickly get bored. Develop, learn new languages, learn skills, then, when a family appears, there will not be so much time for this. If you are interested in yourself, then men will not run away from you. Relax and enjoy."

Opinion of psychologist Maria Reut:“From the little information that you have given, Sylvia, it is difficult for me to conclude what is the reason for the rapidly deteriorating relationships with men. You describe yourself as "no worse than others." Your age is suitable for creating a family and having a child, therefore, in order not to waste time, I advise you to contact a psychologist who will help you find the reason for the relationship that does not work out. It doesn’t matter whose fault this happens, it is important to understand the mechanism and have time to do what you have planned. Good luck, Sylvia!"

The only problem is that her picture of the world, apparently, is somewhat outdated. Her judgments are reminiscent of the set of rules for Domostroy, and for modern perception they sound wonderful and a little naive. - Well, how is your daughter doing? - Ekaterina Mikhailovna asks her old friend. - Got married? Not? And why?..

There are none, apparently! - the failed mother-in-law sighs.

Well you give! - Ekaterina Mikhailovna laughs. - Worthy will wait until retirement! Nonsense! It is necessary to grab what to eat, register, give birth to a child. And there you will see. If it doesn’t work out or someone better appears on the horizon, getting a divorce is not a problem ...

Marriage for show

Ekaterina Mikhailovna is sure that for a single woman of the age of thirty plus it is much more worthy and decent to be divorced than to never marry. Everyone should at least once celebrate a wedding, have a child, and only then you can live as you want. Or how it goes. The main thing is that there should be a tick in the biography - she was married. Because with those who were not there before thirty, something is clearly wrong.

Many years ago, Ekaterina Mikhailovna literally pushed her daughter Alexandra out of the house according to this principle. Like, you, most importantly, get married, and then you'll figure it out. The campaign to find a future son-in-law began almost from school, every classmate who entered the house was quite seriously trying on the role of a spouse:

Good guy! Polite! Who do his parents work for?.. Look at him!..

The chosen one of Alexandra, or rather, Ekaterina Mikhailovna, for it was she who organized the marriage of her nineteen-year-old daughter, left much to be desired from the very beginning. Young, frivolous, whimsical, he had absolutely no idea what a family was.

Well, okay! mother reassured her daughter. - Marries - will change. And you won’t change, you’ll get divorced and you’ll slowly look for a worthy one ... As a temporary option, it will go ...

The temporary version lasted for a decade and a half. Alexandra, who from the first day considered her marriage unsuccessful and planned a divorce, still scolds her husband every day, cries for life, for a stupid half-child marriage, nevertheless she has already given birth to two children and is not going anywhere. The husband walks, drinks, does not come to spend the night, but Alexandra only sighs:

And what, one is better, or what? There are dozens of examples around how children are raised without fathers. Don't envy!..

But there is a child!

I must say, there are really a lot of single divorced women with children around. They live hard. Most of them work, children at best with their grandmothers, at worst with a key around their necks. "Samomamy", of course, invigorate and swagger, but you will not envy them: lack of money, loneliness, routine and longing in the eyes ...

But the child is already there! - Ekaterina Mikhailovna says categorically. - No longer lonely! And if you meet a good person, you can get married with a child. It's even easier!

“Losers”, who by the age of thirty were not only not married, but also had not acquired a child, can only be regretted, Ekaterina Mikhailovna believes.

Voidflower! - with a sigh, she looks at the slender, well-groomed Tanya, who elegantly gets into her brand new foreign car in the morning and leaves for work at the bank. - Jumping dragonfly! She has a career, you see, a car, an apartment ... But in the house and in the soul there is emptiness. Thirty-two years old, and no husband, no children ... Find a husband? How? Don't make me laugh! Even the divorced, who have neither a stake nor a yard, only alimony, are in no hurry to propose to her! ..

I must say, in her personal life, Tatyana is really unlucky. Recently, she broke up with another boyfriend, who had been fooling around for several years, and is again in active search. Men bring her home, send bouquets, invite her to a cafe. However, there are no candidates with serious intentions, despite Tanya's undoubted merits.

People say: “Purebred dogs are taken apart as puppies,” explains Ekaterina Mikhailovna. - Everyone has their own fate, but still the sooner the better. She got married, gave birth, shot back, so to speak, then live as you want.

It should be noted that not only Ekaterina Mikhailovna thinks so, but a significant part of our female population ...

RESPONSE TO KP.RU

All troubles - from education?

Maybe, somewhere in her own way, Ekaterina Mikhailovna is right, but it only jars MUST. She should give birth before 30, it’s better to get married for a while than never at all ... We MUST for housing and communal services, but what if it doesn’t add up? Here is my cousin, she is already 35, all girls. She, in addition to not being beautiful, is also too smart and gets smarter over the years. In Russia, the situation is sad, among my friends there are pretty ladies under 40, after the conservatory-graduate school, who are not needed by anyone. Educated, brought up on the best achievements of art and literature. Here's some advice: maybe a high education and a noble upbringing are detrimental to women's happiness today?

A high education and a noble upbringing clearly increase the requirements for the chosen one, and there are few men who meet these requirements. That is, an educated woman is less likely to find a mate.

Ekaterina Mikhailovna can also be understood - most likely, she is a girl of the post-war generation, when there were 0.5 male invalids for 10 brides. That's where the views come from.

For example, my grandmother (b. 1907) believed that education leads to promiscuity (she died illiterate), as did the use of any cosmetics, clothes of bright colors. All my youth I remember her instructions on morality: to always have a scarf on your head, eyes to the floor, a quiet voice and no smiles. It seemed to her the right way to get married. For the current generation, this is probably wild. But maybe we will leave the elderly people the right to think in their own way, and we ourselves will build our lives the way we think is necessary and right. After all, when a woman lives in harmony and comfort with herself - when her eyes shine and look at the world with confidence, it is not a problem to find a man. You don't even need to look for it. He will find you.

Better sooner

I myself realized with age that those girls are right who try to start looking for a betrothed early - they are more likely to find a good husband than those who catch on after twenty-five years, and even more so those who are over thirty. Unfortunately, I myself realized this late, a happy family life did not work out. Now I am 45 years old and I have a daughter and a granddaughter. I completed the main program of life on time, and now I just live, and it doesn’t matter if I get married or not.

A successful marriage requires a cold calculation. Until the age of 25, this is hardly possible, since the “hormone plays” and all kinds of love turbidity in the head. But then, having sobered up, you can pick up a man who will be both sexually and economically attractive. And he will not be able to fool your brains, since she already has a 25 - 30-year-old head on her shoulders.

Can I decide myself?

When will our female majority finally take up their own lives, and will not climb into someone else's?! How did you get it! When I was asked for the first time, at the age of 18, “Have you got married?” - I was just dumbfounded: what kind of married in the 2nd year of the university? Then the stupid question began to be repeated with enviable regularity. And they started to get not only me, but also my mother. As a result, one interested (who did not have an early marriage) mother bluntly stated: “I don’t care at all that my 20-year-old daughter is not married.” She immediately shut up. At the same time, I regularly had marriage proposals, but something stopped me. As a result, at the age of 24, I met a man with whom I have been together for 6 years. It is terrible to imagine what would have happened if I had succumbed to public opinion and jumped out to get married at the age of 19! True, now we are getting the question: “When will you give birth to a child?”. It seems that the losers have someone else's happiness in their throats ...

So live your life and let others live! Happy people are not interested in someone else's personal life!